Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

As Chapter 5 begins, Cain lays out for the reader exactly what her focus will be, which is in part an examination of “America’s culture of positivity” (141) or what her friend Dr. Susan David refers to as a “tyranny of positivity” (160). David sees this as a problem because it creates conditions that imply that outward demonstrations of sadness, or other so-called negative emotions, are undesirable. This cultural expectation also limits the space for expressions of sadness and sorrow, which consequently means that one should be sad in private, if at all, which limits the depth of human connection. To compound The Dangers That Arise When We Don’t Acknowledge Our Negative Emotions, David says that this emotional suppression also stifles personal growth, and eventually those feelings and emotions, if suppressed for long enough, will turn up in unhealthy ways. She cites her own experiences with an eating disorder as evidence and then provides more scientific rationale for her arguments. The idea here reflects one of the book’s central themes that the cultural value of forced positivity inadvertently leads to unintended consequences.

Cain offers proof for the position that Americans are generally unhappy. She says:

We’re less happy than citizens of other countries, and much less happy than we appear…about 30 percent of Americans suffered from anxiety and 20 percent from major depression over their lifetimes, according to the National Institute of Mental Health and the Journal of the American Medical Association, and over fifteen million had taken antidepressants for over five years (144-45).

The evidence here suggests that Cain’s premise is accurate, namely that as Americans put on a happy face, it is not a reflection of their authentic selves. In fact, the culture of positivity enforces the suppression of “negative” emotions such as sadness, about which Susan David says:

[T]he more you try to ignore it…the greater its hold on you. You might think you’re in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them, but in fact they control you. Internal pain always comes out. Always. And who pays the price? We do. Our children, our colleagues, our communities (161).

Because everyone deals with sorrow and sadness at some point in their lives, if space was created for the expression of these emotions, perhaps some of the numbers mentioned above would improve.

Cain traces the development of this relentless positivity to America’s Calvinist roots, where all anyone could hope for was to work hard and be righteous enough to enter heaven. As the nation industrialized, the “winner/loser” paradigm shifted to financial success instead of the fate of the soul. Cain says, “Calvinism was replaced by the new national religion of business, in which you were predestined not for heaven or hell but for earthly success or failure” (147). This business ethic elevated the appearance of success and promoted the culture of positivity because people believed, and still believe, that demonstrations of weakness limit one’s chances of promotion or taking leadership positions of any kind, which could label the person as a “loser.” Cain points out the inherent flaw in this line of thinking: “We’re often taught to focus on our strengths, not weaknesses. But we shouldn’t confuse a bittersweet temperament, or a ‘negative’ emotional state such as sadness, with weakness” (165). She makes this assertion multiple times in the book, and shows how in American business culture, there is a growing recognition for the need to change how people view being sad.

In Chapter 6, Cain discusses another of the book’s themes: How to Best Respond to Pain. Citing the work of James Pennebaker, Cain argues that an effective way of coping with pain is to write about it. She says, “‘Expressive writing’ encourages us to see our misfortunes not as flaws that make us unfit for worldly success (or otherworldly heaven), but as the seeds of our growth” (175). She discusses some of the studies Pennebaker performed, including one where he worked with 50 recently laid-off engineers. He asked that half the group write about neutral topics and the other half to write everything they were feeling including rage, humiliation, and anger. After a few months, Pennebaker found that “the men who’d written out their cares were three times more likely than the control group to have found work” (174). Cain describes similar research that Pennebaker conducted and in each case, those who wrote about their negative feelings were better positioned to cope with those feelings, and to eventually grow from the experiences. Cain recommends that for those who are experiencing some form of sorrow, and even for those who are not, writing about one’s feelings is a therapeutic and productive way of coping with pain.