Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Kennedy distinguishes between firmness and harshness, encouraging parents to uphold boundaries with empathy rather than aggression. The key is to validate a child’s feelings while clearly asserting limits. For example, instead of yelling, “Stop hitting your brother!” a parent might say, “I know you’re angry, but I won’t let you hit.” This approach signals emotional safety and behavioral accountability at the same time. This advice relies on one of Kennedy’s foundational principles—that “two things are true” (15). Recognizing that two things are true means recognizing that one can be a compassionate parent and set clear boundaries at the same time, or that a child can be fundamentally good even when behaving badly. Research supports this authoritative approach, showing that children thrive in environments that are both nurturing and structured. Concrete ways for parents to implement this advice might include identifying non-negotiable boundaries and rehearsing calm, consistent responses in advance. Scripted phrases like “It’s okay to feel upset, but it’s not okay to throw things” provide clarity and containment. This strategy avoids the pitfalls of permissiveness while also rejecting punitive tactics. Over time, children learn that emotions are allowed, but actions that disrespect or harm others are not. This lesson promotes both trust and self-regulation.

Kennedy emphasizes that parenting is not about perfection, but about consistent effort and repair. Mistakes—like yelling or overreacting—are inevitable, and the key is to acknowledge them and reconnect. Repair involves validating the child’s feelings and taking responsibility, such as saying, “I’m sorry I raised my voice. That must have felt scary.” This builds trust and models accountability, which helps children learn how to manage their own conflicts. Effective repair requires empathy, warmth, love, acceptance, curiosity, and the willingness to change. The concept draws on attachment theory, which suggests that secure relationships are built through rupture and repair, not flawless interactions. Practical changes parents can make in order to implement this advice include normalizing apologies, creating space for emotional processing, and reinforcing connection after moments of tension. Family rituals like end-of-day check-ins or weekly “repair talks” can help to shift the culture of the family. Embracing imperfection reduces parental guilt and promotes a growth-oriented mindset in both adults and children.

Kennedy stresses that self-regulation is a prerequisite for effective parenting. When parents are overwhelmed by their own unprocessed emotions, they tend to react instead of respond. This can escalate conflict and undermine connection. Kennedy encourages parents to identify personal triggers—often rooted in their own childhood experiences—and to use calming techniques such as deep breathing, mantras, or taking a pause. For instance, a parent might say, “I’m feeling really activated. I need a minute to calm down before we talk.” This models emotional responsibility and prevents power struggles. Research in emotional intelligence supports the idea that parents who manage their stress can co-regulate more effectively with their children. Parents can create self-care routines, reflect on triggering patterns, and engage in therapy or peer support to build this capacity. By regulating themselves first, they create the emotional stability their children need to thrive.

Kennedy provides practical scripts to help parents navigate high-stress situations without losing composure. These scripts offer both structure and emotional attunement, such as “I see you’re having a hard time, and I’m here.” They help parents stay grounded while communicating boundaries and compassion. For example, during a tantrum, a parent might say, “I know this is hard. I won’t let you hurt anyone, and I’m going to help you calm down.” Using such scripts can reduce escalation and reinforce safety. Parents who grew up with punitive models may find scripts especially helpful for reprogramming their default responses. Posting them around the house or practicing them in advance builds fluency. Over time, children internalize this language, which strengthens their own emotional vocabulary and provides them with helpful coping strategies. The goal isn’t to eliminate conflict but to navigate it with clarity, presence, and care.