65 pages • 2 hours read
Redefining realness: My path to womanhood, identity, love, & so much more
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Introduction Summary
Mock remembers dress shopping at a vintage store when she was first emailed the Marie Claire profile, written by journalist Kierna Mayo, amounting to her coming out as a trans woman. She remembers reading the story multiple times: “After each reading, I was moved but strikingly detached. It was a stranger’s story to me” (xiii). She remembers feeling that it was neither her story nor her voice.
Her closest friend knew she was trans, and Mock agreed to interview with Mayo because she felt she could trust her, although she withheld many details that made her feel vulnerable. Mock associates this vulnerability with the shame she felt growing up in a society that viewed trans as Other. Many popular depictions dehumanize trans women: “Instead of proclaiming that I was not a plot device to be laughed at, I spent my younger years internalizing and fighting these stereotypes” (xv). She remembers not wanting to publicly out herself as trans because she did not want to be reduced to a stereotype, believing silence would protect her.
But she knew that other girls had not been afforded the same opportunities she had, and she wanted to serve as a spokesperson for these voiceless women, deciding unapologetic, public honesty was the best way she could combat pervasive social stigmatization. She acknowledges that her success is due to the struggles of trans women before her. She understands the responsibility that comes with visibility, although she also feels that her alleged exceptionalism, which makes her lonely, leaves behind many other trans women who don’t fit the American norm of success. She also maintains that neither safety nor happiness should be out of reach for any trans woman, believing her story of hope—although tainted by survivor’s guilt—will help other young trans women.
She uses this memoir to extend her vulnerability to her audience, rendering her accountable to her own truth. She also hopes this memoir will force the audience to ask questions of themselves, interrogating their own beliefs. Although she knows the public price she might pay for this exposure, she believes the positive possibilities of a truthful and loving interrogation of identity outweigh potential negative ramifications.
Prologue Summary: “New York, 2009”
On her first date with Aaron, Mock debates explaining her identity as trans, wondering if Aaron can see her. He is charming, and she wants to tell him, thinking he is someone special who can “unwrap me” (1). She remembers meeting him a few days before in a bar called La Caverna, which smelled like the mixed hopefulness and desperation of all the women out with their girlfriends hunting for men. She was enjoying the beauty of her body’s movement when she saw him across the dance floor and was stopped mid-dance by his attractiveness. She decides to sleep with him. They flirt with one another, and he asks her to take a walk with him. She hesitates, explaining she doesn’t know his name, and he impishly suggests he’ll tell her in exchange for a walk.
They go to a coffee shop and share a cinnamon roll, people-watching and talking. Mock is sure he is the one, as Aaron tells her about his adolescence and his dreams for the future: “I wondered if it really was that simple to tell your story” (3). Mock is reticent about sharing intimate details with him, but Aaron picks up on her elusiveness and asks her prodding questions. Mock confesses the celebrity gossip she writes about doesn’t matter, and she’s still trying to work towards writing stories that do matter. Mock is uncomfortable with how much she has shared, and they split a cab home. She wants him to kiss her, but he just whispers goodnight and then texts her later that she is “a complete pleasure” (4).
Mock remembers yearning for true love ever since she read Their Eyes Were Watching God in high school. They make a date to see an exhibit at the New Museum. When they arrive, Mock informs Aaron of her critical opinions regarding modern art, including performance art. Aaron smirks. In the stairwell, Aaron tells her they should kiss, and Mock feels exposed. Aaron laughs at her hesitation. They kiss, fitting together perfectly, and Aaron jokes about now being able to concentrate on what Mock is saying. Mock believes Aaron is too good to be true. Mock starts getting nervous at their level of intimacy, and they go for a walk.
They ask questions back and forth. Aaron admits that he’s afraid of Mock because he foresees being in a relationship with her, which would break his commitment to taking a year off relationships to discover himself. Mock assumes Aaron has never had to fight for anything, and she tells him that she is afraid of intimacy, even though she wants to say: “I’m afraid you won’t love me once you know me” (7). They kiss and salsa dance and go on dates.
They have their first sleepover, watching movies and eventually making their way into bed. Mock wonders if she is ready to let someone know her. Aaron tells her the story about his eyebrow scar, which he never told anyone before, and Mock feels privileged to learn. She worries that if she lets herself be known, she will lose him, and she starts crying. A week later, she realizes she has to tell him, and goes to his apartment. She realizes she has been presenting Aaron with a distorted version of herself, which means that he has something to lose as well, even though he may not know it. She decides to tell him.
Introduction-Prologue Analysis
The Introduction and Prologue serve as the background information for the memoir itself in two very different ways. The Introduction serves as a kind of historical background for Mock’s decision to write a full memoir, as she does not feel any connection to the person portrayed in the Marie Claire profile. Instead, Mock decides that she must be the one to write her whole truth in order to feel as though she reveals all of what is important in her quest for self-identity. In contrast, the Prologue sets the stage for Mock’s quest towards love within the story. Much of her interrogation concerning her own identity is complicated by her relationships with boys and men throughout her life, as her womanhood seems to exist inextricably from the figures and bodies of these men.
In the Prologue, Mock introduces her love story with Aaron as a kind of fairytale, although one that she seems to believe will end in tragedy. The audience witnesses the push and pull between Mock’s past thoughts and her present self, which is evident within the slippage between the narrator and the author. It is important to Mock that Aaron sees beyond her appearance and that he is a good listener. Already, Mock finds a steadiness and certainty in him that is reassuring. She is shocked by Aaron’s openness, which contrasts sharply with her own guarded demeanor that keeps secrets about her past locked away because she believes that no one will love her if they know the truth. The audience also sees how Mock uses her own appearance as a cloaking agent of sorts, relying on her beauty to mask the pain of experiences she wants buried.
In both the Introduction and the Prologue, Mock presents the conflicting notions of being seen versus being known. In her experience, these two things are very different ideas. Mock is frequently seen as being beautiful or, in the case of the profile, is seen as being very courageous, but she does not feel as though this visual aspect of her identity is real. Rather, it seems as though any visual representations obscure her true self. Mock identifies that she wants more than anything to be known, although she is also reticent to make herself known, as this requires a kind of vulnerability and intimacy that Mock has guarded herself against for more than two decades. Through the mixed conflation and differentiation between visibility and knowledge, Mock sets the stage for her memoir, using these two initial chapters as an introduction into her complicated life story.
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