The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism

Higashida answers the question “Why are you always running off somewhere?” (127). Higashida says that he is always running off because of an uncontrollable instinct to run in the direction of whatever enters his line of sight. He does not do this because he derives any pleasure from it, and it happens without him understanding why. However, he has tried to control his continual running away and is slowly getting better at resisting the urge to do so.

Higashida addresses the question “Why do you get lost so often?” (129). He explains that the reason for this is that some people with autism are always plagued by a sense of not quite feeling right in the place that they are in. Thus, as Higashida says, some people with autism are always escaping to find somewhere “where [they] do feel at ease” (129). Unfortunately, this results in some people with autism running off in random directions and becoming separated from the people that they are with.

Higashida answers the question “Why do you wander off from home?” (133). Higashida says this is hard to explain, but it feels sometimes as if he must leave his home and go outside or else he would stop existing. He is then drawn on by the roads ahead and the feeling that turning back is an impossibility. However, Higashida recalls how he was nearly run over one day after wandering off and how, since then, this scare has stopped him wandering off again.

Higashida explores the question “Why do you repeat certain actions again and again?” (135). Higashida says, “[T]he repetition doesn’t come from our own free will” (135). Some people with autism do not consciously choose to repeat actions but are rather compelled to do so by their brains. Higashida says that repetition is then often accompanied by feelings of positivity and comfort, while trying to resist the compulsion to repeat these actions can provoke feelings of horror.

Higashida answers the question “Why don’t you do what you’re supposed to do, even after being told a million times?” (137). Higashida notes how some people with autism often repeat the same proscribed actions again and again. He says that this is not due to a lack of understanding of the prohibition. Rather, it is because the compulsion to repeat the actions is often stronger than fear of censor for committing them. However, Higashida says that he works hard to control these compulsions and to do what he is told.

Higashida examines the question “Why are you obsessive about certain things?” (139). As with his answers to the previous questions about repetition, Higashida says that his obsessing over certain phenomenon and actions is not done through choice, but because resisting these obsessive desires is too painful. Nevertheless, Higashida says that other people should stop his obsessive behaviors if they are bothering other people. He also says that this obsessive behavior will often stop of its own accord and to be patient with people with autism.

Higashida tells a story about a crow who encounters a white dove who lost her way. The white dove was upset because she had been “searching for the path to happiness for a long, long time” but was still unable to find it (142). The crow, though, explains to the dove that all seemingly different paths are really just one connected path that leads to happiness. This answer reassures the dove, which then flies away happy.

Higashida answers the question “Why do you need cues and prompts?” (143). He explains that even though he knows how to perform a certain action and that he should be doing it, he cannot initiate the action without someone saying, for example, “Go ahead and drink, then” (143). He says that he finds performing actions without a prompt terrifying but that he is gradually fighting to overcome this fear.

Higashida addresses the question “Why can you never stay still?” (146). As Higashida describes it, he always feels like he needs to be in another place and therefore must keep moving. He says that when he is not moving, he feels like his soul is dislocating itself from his body. Higashida now realizes that there are times when he should stay still, even if he still finds doing so difficult.

Higashida explores the question “Do you need visual schedules?” (147). On the surface, it seems like some children with autism would want visual schedules for their days, as they may like plans and order. However, showing some people with autism a visual schedule can actually be distracting for them as the schedule then gets stuck in their heads, says Higashida. This can cause stress when things do not proceed according to the schedule or when what is seen and done does not match the visual schedule.

Higashida answers the question “What causes panic attacks and meltdowns?” (149). Higashida says that many sights, sounds, and situations can cause panic attacks for some people with autism. However, even without such specific causes, panic attacks can be brought on by a general sense of helplessness. Namely, the attack often reflects a person with autism’s pain at being unable to properly communicate to others what they are feeling.

In the last question of the book, Higashida answers the query “What are your thoughts on autism itself?” (151). Higashida says that a sense of crisis currently exists in the world due to environmental destruction. In what Higashida admits is only a speculative theory, he says that autism has arisen out of this crisis. People with autism, he suggests, are people disconnected from the present and linked to a primordial past and are the earth’s way of reminding people about what is truly valuable in their environment.