The Unhoneymooners

Olive reflects on her problems. She is looking for a job and currently has no roommate to help with her rent. She recalls her first meeting with Ethan. There was an initial attraction, but he soon seemed revolted by her eating cheese curds at the Minnesota State Fair. She interpreted this as body shaming and felt judged.

Lost in thought, she literally runs into Ethan when she opens the groom’s suite. Noting her dress, Ethan tells Olive she looks like a Skittle and calls her Olivia. He refuses to show Olive his toast. Defeated, Olive reminds him again not to say anything crass and asks if she should verify his need for an entree. He thanks her, surprised, insisting that he is averse only to buffets, not the very concept of sharing food. Olive walks away, wondering if Ethan is watching her.

Ami’s January wedding has a Christmas theme with greenery and lights. Olive stands with her family, tense because Ethan comes up beside her to guide her down the aisle. Olive is surprised to see Ethan visibly amused by the line of green bridesmaids, since he is usually stiff around her. She cannot square this with Ami’s usual complaint that he is always planning adventure trips around holidays she would like to celebrate with Dane. Olive wonders if the problem with Ethan is not an aversion to curvy women but that he resents his brother’s new commitment to her sister, making Olive an easy target. Olive tells Ethan that Ami is a good person and does not deserve his ire, but they are interrupted as the ceremony begins. Afterward, Ethan seems baffled by her earlier speech, including the idea he dislikes her or Ami, telling Olive that she sounds “legitimately insane” (29).

The reception is raucous, and many guests are drunk. Ethan’s toast references Olive’s dress and a party in that past when she lifted her skirt to wipe away sweat. He teases Dane about being older but admits his sibling has been luckier in love than him. Olive reads her toast from her phone screen, finding her family is interrupting her with text messages, interrupting her thoughts. The speech is interrupted as all the guests, including Dane, start vomiting.

Olive watches in horror as the entire reception becomes violently ill. Ethan is beside her, unscathed. They realize they are the only ones didn’t eat the seafood. Olive goes to help Ami, hearing her dress rip as she goes.

The family has retreated to various areas of the hotel to recover. As Olive tries to care for her family and clean up the messes, Ami tells her sister she must take her nonrefundable and nontransferable honeymoon, a free resort trip to Hawaii. Olive reflects: “I know my sister, even violent illness won’t get between her and a prize fairly won” (40). Because the women are identical twins, all Olive will need is a driver’s license. Ami tells her not to waste the trip because luck “happens when and where it happens” (41).

Olive leaves briefly for supplies, remembering her torn dress, and finds Ethan in the hallway. He seems annoyed that she is struggling with her key card. He teases her there is no point to her changing clothes into something less revealing and asks to see Ami. He explains that Dane has also offered him the honeymoon, as their shared surname is on the reservation. Olive explains she needs a break due to her recent job loss, and Ethan mixes up the name of her pharmaceutical company (Butake) with the Japanese word bukkake, a genre of pornography.

Ethan suggests they go together, as the resort and suite will be large enough for them to avoid each other. Ami agrees. Olive reflects that as much as she hates Ethan for being “too tall, too fit, too classically pretty, never friendly, never trustworthy, never any fun” the promise of a Hawaiian vacation is too strong to resist (46). She and Ethan commit to avoiding one another as much as possible. 

Olive and Ethan agree they have to abide by the terms of the honeymoon package, flying together to maintain appearances. She finds an affordable last-minute ticket, assuring herself any flight will be sufficient to get her to a tropical destination.

Ethan is irritable about Olive’s airline choice, calling the plane a “Greyhound with wings” (51), but their argument is interrupted when her phone rings with a job offer. Olive is a scientist who gives technical presentations on pharmaceutical products; physicians are her main clients. The job is with her dream company, Hamilton Biosciences, and she happily accepts, negotiating a start date after her trip, citing family obligations. Olive is overjoyed by this new upswing in her circumstances, and surprised when Ethan is warmly congratulatory.

Olive and Ethan board the plane, finding themselves practically in one another’s laps. Olive realizes Ethan is anxious about the flight and asks him about the penny he pulls from his pocket. Ethan ignores her to flirt with the flight attendant. Olive reflects on how her sense of Ethan as an adventurer with an ego contrasts with his anxious persona on a plane. Ethan finally explains his penny is a rare misprint from 1955 that he got it as change on the day of a successful job interview. Turbulence worsens Ethan’s anxiety, and he ignores Olive’s question about how he flies on trips with Dane. In search of alcohol to calm his nerves, Ethan is forced to accept free drink coupons from Olive, which are more of Ami’s winnings. Olive defends her sister, noting that the poisoning at the reception was an accident. Ethan admits that he does not believe in romance and is not surprised the wedding was a disaster.

Olive reflects that while she is uncertain about her own love life, she has plenty of relatives who have been happily married for decades. She recalls that Ethan once had a girlfriend and asks him if he is still seeing her. He says he wouldn’t take a vacation like this unless he were single.

Olive and Ethan arrive in Hawaii, and Olive takes in the view, determined to enjoy herself. The resort is large and luxurious. Olive struggles to give her sister’s name to resort staff, and Ethan makes fun of her inability to maintain their ruse. He decides he will handle most paperwork and speaking to staff to prevent her from exposing their deception. Worried the receptionist is scrutinizing her ID for some discrepancy, Olive babbles nervously about her recent weight gain and its relationship to her anxiety over her job loss. Ethan is clearly annoyed, but even he has a visible moment of hesitation when the receptionist addresses them as a married couple.